...and to hear the lamentation of their women.

Conan the Barbarian (1982) R
While not the first sword and sorcery film, this is the first based upon the character for whom the term was coined (by fantasy master Fritz Leiber). The movie that inspired several other films and television series, it is here that the sword and sorcery genre hit its peak, never to be surpassed. What followed this film was twenty years of copycats and pretenders to the throne.

Telling the story of Conan in a single film was a monumental undertaking. Beginning with Conan as a child and subsequently showing him as a slave, a gladiator, and (finally) a free adventurer the movie cherry picks moments from a number of the writings of Robert E Howard so as to maintain its appropriate, authentic, feel. This tale, while not a perfect fit for the true Conan of Robert E Howard, blends Howard's works into its script so well so as to feel a worthy torchbearer of the name, Conan.

The story opens up with the forging of a sword, and of Conan's father telling him of the riddle of steel. Raiders come and slay everyone in Conan's village, taking him away as spoils of war. He slaves away on a capstan in the middle of nowhere (for no real discernible purpose) as time passes and he matures from child to muscle-bound adult.

Taken from his slavery, Conan is then trained as a gladiator. We are treated to a montage of his gladiatorial combats, seeing him progress in prowess and fame. His masters allow him to learn to read and expose him to philosophy and a number of trains of thought that don't really play any part in the film. This section seems to attempt to serve up that Conan in the film, as described in the original stories, is an intelligent and exceptional man as opposed to an unthinking brute. This section is brief, however, and certainly did not deflect criticisms of the movie Conan being just that. One review went so far as to declare him "a dull clod with a sharp sword, a human collage of pectorals and latissimi who's got less style and wit than Lassie."

Finally released and cast out, Conan is next seen on the run from a pack of wild dogs (one of which actually attacked the actor). Fleeing from them he finds his way into a long forgotten tomb and emerges with the blade he uses for the majority of the film, the so-called Atlantean sword. Now armed and ready to seek out his fortune (as well as get off-screen payback on a certain pack of wild dogs), Conan continues his journey until he finds himself called into the hut of a comely woman.

Of course, the woman is really a witch. Conan doesn't know this (or simply doesn't care) and begins questioning her as to the identity of the men who attacked his childhood village...while bedding her. He's Conan, he can multitask and, oddly, the scene works. She tells him to seek out the realm of Zamora and to seek out Thulsa Doom.  Eventually the witch reveals her true nature and attempts to destroy Conan but he pitches her into the fire and she flees as a spectral ball of light. Conan truly isn't doing well on his own.

Fortunately he comes across Subotai, a convicted thief left chained as food for the wolves. The two banter back and forth before Conan frees Subotai and the two become fast friends and traveling companions. Following the words of the witch, the two travel to Shadizar, in the land of Zamora. In seeking information on the serpents, they are directed to the "Tower of the Serpents", home to the Temple of Set. While breaking into the tower, the two encounter Valeria. Herself an able thief and swordswoman, the three join forces in their robbery of the temple. They succeed in interupting a human sacrifice and in killing the temples guardian (a monstrous-sized snake, before escaping with their loot.

Their success leads to excesses in drinking an revelry. It also leads to them coming to the attention of King Osric. Confronted by the king, he offers them a fortune in gems and other wealth if they will rescue his daughter from the Temple of Set, and the villainous Thulsa Doom. Conan accepts, to the dismay of Valeria and Subotai (who wish nothing to do with Thulsa Doom, instead wanting to live a life of leisure with what they have). Undaunted, Conan proceeds alone.

Posing as a priest, Conan infiltrates the ranks of Thulsa Doom's followers but is quickly discovered. Beaten, tortured, and then crucified on the "Tree of Woe", Conan is left to die. His body is found by Subotai and Subotai and Valeria take him to Akiro the Wizard and demand healing. Despite being warned that the gods will collect a heavy price for such a deed, Valeria pushes Akira to restore Conan. Akiro paints Conan's body with mystic sigils and scripts, to aid in the warding off of demon, and performs the ritual.

With Conan restored, the three companions set off to rescue the princess and wreck bloody vengeance against Thulsa Doom. After sneaking through the caves under the mountain and into Doom's temple fortress, the trio come upon a horrifying orgy of flesh (both sensual and cannibalistic). In what is probably the greatest battle scene in the movie, the three bring ruination down on the forces of Doom, and escape with the princess. As they ride into the distance, Thulsa Doom enchants a venomous snake into an arrow and fires, striking Valeria and sealing her fate. The gods indeed demanded a hefty price for Conan's resurrection, a life for a life.

Knowing that they cannot outrun their pursuers, Conan, Subotai, and Akiro begin preparations to fortify Akiro's home amongst the mounds. Carefully laying a number of traps using the weapons of long dead warriors, the three make ready. When the forces come, Conan and Subotai battle them off using a combination of skill and cunning, while Akiro pitches in where he can. In the end, Thulsa Doom retreats and, while doing so, attempts to slay the princess with another of his serpentine arrows. Subotai blocks the arrow with his shield and Thulsa Doom's hold over the princess is broken. His forces scattered and dead, the evil priest retreats to his stronghold.

Finally, Conan confronts Thulsa Doom atop the temple, in full view of the followers of the Temple of Set. Using the broken blade of his father's sword, Conan behead Thusa Doom and sends his head bouncing down the steps of the temple's pyramid and into Doom's followers. In a final act of revenge for the murder of his family, his torture, and the death of his love Valeria Conan sets the temple ablaze.

Thus ends the story. We then see an aged Conan, sitting on a throne as Akiro (his chronicler) tells us that Conan eventually would become a king by his own hand...but that story too will be told. In an interesting twist, that story was sent to screen but, because Schwarzenegger turned it down, it became the movie Kull the Conqueror instead.


Arnold Schwarzenegger
The casting of the then virtually unknown Arnold Schwarzenneger brought a solid look to the titular character. Mr. Olympia from 1970-1975, Schwarenegger was the pinnacle of global bodybuilding. Training for the role meant losing a little bulk and developing a more athletic build. Cited in Cinefantastique as the "living incarnation of one of Frazetta's paperback illustrations", Schwarzenneger certainly had the look.  Dropping 30 pounds during his training for the film, Schwarzenegger took the time to enter and win the title of Mr. Olympia one last time in 1980.

Of course, among Schwarzenegger's previous roles were a deaf/mute and a vocally re-dubbed Hercules (Hercules in New York - 1969). His thick Austrian accent presented a bit of a problem for producers. Schwarzenegger underwent weeks of speech therapy and rehearsed each of his long speeches a minimum of forty times. Oddly enough, it was no Schwarzenegger but his American co-star, Gerry Lopez, was re-dubbed by actor Sab Shimono for not having retained a "certain quality".

Still, it was Schwarzenegger's accent that caused consternation. We do not even hear his voice for the first ten minutes of the movie (whereupon he grunts) and his first line, the famous quote often attributed to Gengis Khan, is nearly fourteen minutes into the movie. His second line isn't for another ten minutes. It is that very sparsity of Conan's initial dialogue that sets the tone for the movie. With little to no real dialogue for the first twenty minutes of the film, the viewer instead focuses on the breathtaking vistas and set pieces, giving the movie the feel of an old school epic. 

 
Sandahl Bergman
Sandahl Bergman was still more a dancer than an actress. Still, with the recommendation of dance legend Bob Fosse Sandahl was cast. He background as a dancer shows through, her movements as the warrior Valeria  are fluid and believable. Her dialog comes off as a bit wooden, but there does seem to be some level of real chemistry between her and Schwarzenegger. In an attempt to capitalize on her role as the Valeria, Sandahl went on to play another warrior woman as the lead in She. 


Lasting Connection
Svel-Ole Thorsen, who appeared as the giant-hammer weilding Thorgrim, also appeared in a number of other films with Schwarzenegger including: Conan the Destroyer, Red Sonja, Raw Deal, Predator, The Running Man, Twins, Terminator 2, The Last Action Hero, and eraser (additionally he appeared in Kull the Conqueror - originally written as a Schwarzenegger film). 


The Soundtrack
The music of the film, written by Basil Poledouris (winner of one Emmy and five BMI awards for his soundtracks), was created as the script was being developed. This allowed for Poledouris' musical tones to blend seamlessly with the scenes. In this way the music almost becomes the star of the movie. There are times when the action on screen enhances the soundtrack, and not the other way around. The entire soundtrack was boiled down to a single-channel, mono, track. This was the last major film to be released without a stereo soundtrack and was done because producers balked at the #30k price tag of including a stereo soundtrack (despite the movie's estimated $20M budget). Poledouris would go on to also score the sequel, Conan the Destroyer.


Success
Part of what makes the movie so successful is that it was approached as a serious film, as opposed to some light piece of fluff churned out to exploit the Sword & Sorcery craze. Instead, this film was the product of years of litigation and had a number of big names attached to it all through development (including a 4+ hour script treatment by a reputedly cocaine-fueled Oliver Stone).

While scriptwriting began in 1976, the final litigation and licensing wasn't even cleared until 1977, which is most likely a fortunate thing for the film. 1977 was the year that Star Wars hit the screen, and it too movie-goers by storm. Its runaway success convinced studios that they needed to loosen the purse strings and invest more heavily in fantastic action films. While Star Wars has gone on to bring in close to a billion dollars in revenue over 37 years and numerous re-releases, it brought in $122,576,055 during its original ninety one days of release (prior to its subsequent second round of showings beginning in September of 1977). By comparison, Conan the Barbarian was nearly as successful, bringing in close to $100,000,000 in global ticket sales.

This success fueled a huge wave of sword and sorcery films (more than 6 others released in 1982 alone) and set the bar high for everything to come. No film since has lived up to Conan the Barbarian, and it is unlikely (with the current Hollywood climate) that any ever will. The highest rated and best received of all Conan feature films (77% on Rotten Tomatoes vs 27% for Conan the Destroyer and 24% for the 2011 Conan the Barbarian), it stands at a testament of what can be accomplished with a cast of relative unknowns and a true love for the subject matter.


Final Thoughts
Seriously, if you have never seen this movie, you need to. This is the pinnacle, the unfair standard by which all other sword and sorcery films are judged. This is the five-star movie.

Works Cited

Andrews, Nigel. True Myths: The Life and times of Arnold Schwarzenegger. London: Bloomsbury, 1995. Print.

"Arnold Schwarzenegger." Wikipedia. N.p., n.d. Web. 2 Sept. 2014.

"Conan the Barbarian (1982 Film)." Wikipedia. N.p., n.d. Web. 2 Sept. 2014.

""Conan The Barbarian (1982)" Theatrical Trailer." YouTube. YouTube, 15 May 2011. Web. 02 Sept. 2014.

"Conan the Barbarian (2011)." Rotten Tomatoes. N.p., n.d. Web. 2 Sept. 2014. <http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/conan_the_barbarian_2011/>.

"Conan the Barbarian." IMDb. IMDb.com, n.d. Web. 02 Sept. 2014.

"Conan the Barbarian." Rotten Tomatoes. N.p., n.d. Web. 02 Sept. 2014. <http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/conan_the_barbarian/>.

"Conan the Destroyer." Rotten Tomatoes. N.p., n.d. Web. 02 Sept. 2014. <http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/conan_the_destroyer/>.

"“The Greatest Happiness Is to Scatter Your Enemy and Drive Him before You, to See His Cities Reduced to Ashes, to See Those Who Love Him Shrouded in Tears, and to Gather to Your Bosom His Wives and Daughters.”." Goodreads. N.p., n.d. Web. 02 Sept. 2014.

Gunden, Kenneth Von. ""Conan the Barbarian: Sword and Sorcery." Flights of Fancy: The Great Fantasy Films. Jefferson, NC: McFarland Classics/McFarland, 2001. 26. Print.

"Hercules in New York." IMDb. IMDb.com, n.d. Web. 02 Sept. 2014.

"The Incredible Hulk." IMDb. IMDb.com, n.d. Web. 02 Sept. 2014. <http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077031/>.

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Leiber, Fritz. Editorial. Ancalagon 6 Apr. 1961: n. pag. Print.

"Mako." IMDb. IMDb.com, n.d. Web. 02 Sept. 2014. <http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0538683/>.

Morgan, David. Knowing the Score: Film Composers Talk about the Art, Craft, Blood, Sweat, and Tears of Writing Music for Cinema. New York: HarperEntertainment, 2000. 167-74. Print.

Patrick, Andrew. "Genghis Khan Quote - Straight Dope Message Board." Straight Dope Message Board RSS. The Straight Dope, 7 Sept. 2004. Web. 02 Sept. 2014.

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Sammon, Paul. "Conan II." Cinefantastique Sept. 1984: 4-7. Print.

Sammon, Paul. "Conan the Barbarian." Cinefantastique Apr. 1982: 28+. Print.

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Steranko, James, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. "An Exclusive Conversation With Arnold Schwarzenegger on the Power and Peril of Playing Conan." Mediascene Prevue May 1982: 32. Web.

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"Sword and Sorcery." Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation, 29 Aug. 2014. Web. 02 Sept. 2014. <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sword_and_sorcery>.

Thomas, Tony. "More Recently—Basil Poledouris." Music for the Movies. Los Angeles: Silman-James, 1997. 322-29. Print.

Ladies First

Red Sonja (1985) PG-13

The movie that introduced Brigitte Nielsen also introduced movie-going audiences to Red Sonja. The character of Red Sonja is not a creation of Robert E Howard, but is inspired by one..Red Sonya. While the two characters are both women of adventure, the differences pretty much end there. The character of Red Sonja as we know her (the She-Devil with a sword) first appeared in the pages of the Marvel book Conan the Barbarian, issue #23 (February 1973). The creation of writer Roy Thomas and artist Barry Windsor-Smith, Red Sonja became the most well known of Sword & Sorcery heroines.

Fast forward twelve years to 1985. Dino De Laurenttis, who brought us both "Conan the Barbarian" as well as "Conan the Destroyer" is looking to return to the well of Fantasy. Bringing back Richard Fleischer, the director of "Conan the Destroyer" they green light Red Sonja.

The movie opens by quickly establishing Red Sonja's back story. In many ways it does not stray far from the standard Sword & Sorcery film tropes. Her family is killed, her home burned, and she is violated by her family's killers. Left for dead she rises and seeks vengeance on teh evil Queen Gedren. So, suffering the victim's trifecta of murder, arson, and rape our main character is approached by a spirit who offers an unequaled sword arm for her quest of justice and vengeance. In the written Red Sonja storyline, this is an important moment. This is where the Red Goddess Scathach appeared to Sonja... In the movie it is a misty figure with a mostly disembodied voice, who touched Sonja on the head with a misty sword. Vague and unsatisfying, much like the rest of this movie.

While we do have Arnold Schwarzenegger in this movie, we do not have Conan. He certainly sounds like Conan, but even if you squint he doesn't look like Conan. The character of Lord Kalidor is dressed as if he combined the fashion sense of Olivia Newton John and wrestling superstar Rik Flair. It is seriously painful to look at. The character was meant to be Conan, but rights were not acquired in a timely fashion. Seeing Conan as not-Conan is a bit jarring, but the usage of Schwarzenegger is even more bothersome.

Filming what he thought was going to be a cameo, Schwarzenegger's time on set stretched from one week to four weeks. What the role turned into was a top-billed co-star, who was only on set for a few weeks. This leads to lengthy action sequences where Arnold Schwarzenegger suddenly appears by stepping through a doorway after a lengthy absence. The constant coming and going for a co-star (and romantic interest) is abrupt and jarring. The reluctant co-star of this movie has publicly stated that it is the worst movie he ever made (and he's made some stinkers) and joked that he uses the watching of the movie as punishment for his children.

The plot, if you can call it that, of this cinematic mess, revolves around "the talisman". A glowing, green, orb of magical power. The destruction of the device is thwarted in the beginning of the movie by the forces of Queen Gedren who have come to steal it for their queen's plans of conquest. The talisman draws energy from light and so is to be destroyed by placing it in permanent darkness. Why anyone waited so long for such an easy fix is never explained...but this is fantasy. Who needs logic?

Leaping across that plot chasm, the queen's men charge in and steal the talisman, capturing and killing all of the priestesses who protect it. One lone priestess escapes, the villains in hot pursuit. Coming to a chasm she sees Conan Lord Kalidor and she attempts to zip-line to safety. Shot in the back, she delivers her news to Kalidor and lies dying. It is vital that the talisman be destroyed and it is important that Kalidor finds...her sister.

Sister?

Yup. Remember that family that was slaughtered in the beginning of the movie? Well it appears that Sonja's sister was alive and doing well as a priestess, up until today. When told that her sister is dying, Sonja shows no surprise that she has a sister that is alive. Then again, the wooden acting of fashion model Bridgette Nielsen also shows no real concern that her sister is dying either. So the two rush back to where Kalidor left Sonja's dying sister lying on the ground. She repeats the importance of destroying the Talisman by sending it into darkness, asks her sister Sonja to swear to do so....and dies.

Ok, now Red Sonja's family are all dead. Conveniently, they are all still dead at the hands of the forces of Queen Gedren. Hurrah! The back story from the first three minutes is still intact! Moving on.

Riding on alone (because she doesn't need the help of a man), Sonja arrives after the destruction of the city of Hablac. Rescuing the bratty Prince of the city (played by annoying Ernie Reyes Jr) from the rubble, Sonja is greeted by youthful sexism (the Prince's army may need a cook) and we observe just how clueless the young Prince is as he decrees that he will dine in an hour..in the middle of his city.. which is nothing but smoking rubble. Showing solid common sense, Sonja gets directions and rides on alone.

Two pointless fights later and young Prince Tarn and his long-suffering man-servant Falkon are once again rescued by Sonja. Why they left the city and how they got in front of Sonja (who took the short cut) are things never explained. But this is fantasy. Who needs logic?(x2) This time, Sonja's maternal instinct kicks in, showing concern for the young boy. She begins to take him under her wing, trying to make him a better person. It doesn't really stick, but its a nice effort as Sonja builds a strange sort of replacement family around herself.

Finally, after many further forced and hokey scenes, we arrive at the climactic battle between Red Sonja and Queen Gedren. The scene lacks any real tension, and drags on like the rest of this painful movie. Finally, Sonja destroys the talisman by throwing it into a river of brightly glowing lava.

You know, because that is just like destroying it in darkness. But this is fantasy. Who needs logic?(x3) Seriously, if one has made it past this far they are either watching it for the purposes of review, they are one of the Schwarzenegger children being punished, or they are waiting for their brain to melt.

The pure awfulness of this movie never crosses into the realm of "so bad it is good", rather choosing to linger on the far side of "just awful." Sandahl Bergman (who was the romantic interest, Valeria, in "Conan the Barbarian") was offered the role of Sonja but reportedly turned down the role in favor of Queen Gedren to avoid being "typecast". It seems far more likely that, as an actress, Bergman didn't want to pass on getting work but preferred to spend her time wearing a mask to cover the shame of being involved in this movie.


Characterization
Bridgette Nielsen was just not right for this role. Sandahl Bergman might have been able to play the role believably but the real missed opportunity is Laurene Landon. With a bit of hair dye, Landon could have played the role perfectly, easily shown by her playing of virtually the same character two years earlier in "Hundra". Of course, the similarities between that film and this were too great and so she was passed over for the job. To date, few people have played the role.

1) Bridgette Nielsen's portrayal here was wooden at best. She doesn't have the look, nor the attitude to pull off this character. She was nominated for a Golden Razzie for Worst Actress and won a Golden Razzie for Worst New Star.

2) Wendy Pini (of "ElfQuest" fame) portrayed Red Sonja for years, performing "Sonja & The Wizard" on stage at conventions in the 70's. If you can find any footage of those performances, I strongly recommend it. Her portrayal is strong and believable, despite the fact that she's wearing an armored bikini, the power of Red Sonja comes through.

3) Angelica Bridges portrayed Red Sonja on a single episode of the TV series "Conan the Adventurer." There is a pretty good reason for this.

4) Rose McGowan was to play the role in a 2008 remake/re-imagining. Massive nerve damage in her arm prevented her from playing the role and the film was scrapped.

5) Amber Heard is the latest actress to be rumored to be slated to play the role.


Sexual Themes
Queen Gedren wanted Sonja for herself. Sonja, not interested in women, spurns her advances...by slashing Gedren's face. Sonja's family are then murdered, her home put to the torch, and Sonja's body "violated" by the soldiers of Queen Gedren. Yes, the evil lesbian queen has the object of her desires brutally raped for saying "no". Pretty strong back story, even if mostly handled off camera. This little bit of plot caused the Encyclopedia of Fantasy's labeling the film "morally dubious" and led, in part, to their calling it a "great embarrassment". If only it stopped there.

The next piece is from Sonja's back story and actually comes from the original character source prior to being continued into the movie. The goddess Scathach orders that Sonja will not lie with a man unless he defeats her in fair combat. In the movie, this is mentioned much later in the movie, and there is no direct connection to the goddess given. Now, at first glance, this may seem like she will accept no man who is not her equal. It almost seems reasonable. However, upon second look? We have a rape victim who will only have sex with a man who can dominate her on a physical level. Sonja is a rape victim who has the need to be faux-raped to have any sort of intimate contact.

Once Kalidor returns, he shows interest in Sonja and so, the two fight. The lengthy fight, filled with grunting and heavy breathing, is certainly an allegory for the sex that they both are wishing for. In addition, young Prince Tarn comments "Why does she fight so hard? She doesn't want to win."

That comment is representative of what is wrong with the movie.This isn't a movie about a strong heroine. This isn't a movie about a woman who "doesn't need the help of a man" (because she often does). This is a movie about a woman who has been brutalized and craves what she loathes. The sexual attitudes in this movie are just plain creepy.


What Didn't Stink
Despite all of the flaws in this movie, and there are many, there are some high points that do stick out. While not always used very effectively, the score of the movie was penned by legendary Italian film composer Ennio Morricone. The music is very evocative of the genre and certainly well worth enjoying if you can find a copy of the film's soundtrack.

Secondly, as bad as the acting was, the sets were wonderful. Much like the first Dino De Laurenttis offering in this genre, "Conan the Barbarian", the sets are large scale and envelope the viewer. That the sets work so well to draw the viewer in whilst the acting is failing to build upon this foundation is the tragedy of the movie. Certainly, the crews that toiled to build those sets worked much harder than the people who strode about them woodenly reciting their lines.


Final Thoughts
Painful. The genre offers much better, especially in the 1980s. Two stars.

Works Cited

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Sonja & the Wizard 1978. Perf. Wendy Pini and Frank Thorne. YouTube. YouTube, 29 Oct. 2012. Web. 19 Nov. 2013. <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDj5wRbgf8A>.